1. We here at Gleem Toothpaste always strive to do right by our customers, which is why we’d like to announce some changes to our recently aired commercial. The Tumblr community has informed us that the commercial, which features a family brushing their teeth together and then showing off their “Gleem smiles,” should be altered to depict a more ethnically varied family. We at Gleem could not agree more. The new commercial will begin airing tomorrow. As always, thank you for the feedback, and thank you for using Gleem Toothpaste.
2. We at Gleem Toothpaste are big enough to admit when we’ve made a mistake. We’ve been informed by several Tumblr users that even though our new commercial depicts a multi-ethnic family, it still offers a traditional, heteronormative depiction of family. Although Gleem toothpaste may have been introduced in 1952, we like to consider ourselves a 21st century company. We have filmed a new commercial in which two men, one Asian, one Hispanic, brush their teeth with Gleem toothpaste and then open-mouth kiss for 23 seconds. We hope that you’re all ready for a brand-new look at Gleem. Get those toothbrushes ready!
3. We at Gleem Toothpaste are sorry. In our previous apology, we referred to the two individuals in our new commercial as men. Thanks to our vocal Tumblr fanbase, we have learned that it is a mistake to assign gender to a person without their consent. We hope that you enjoy our new commercial, in which the great, long-lasting clean feeling of Gleem Toothpaste is enjoyed by two homosexual lifeforms.
4. Again, we at Gleem must apologize. Since our previous apology, the phones at Gleem HQ have been ringing off the hook. We now know that it was wrong to refer to the two entities in our previous commercial as homosexual, because this does not account for the wide variety of pansexual coito-fluxual activities that the two beings could potentially enjoy. Due to the controversy surrounding this commercial, we have decided to take a new approach. Tomorrow, Gleem will launch a new animated commercial starring Chompers, the genderless cartoon dog that loves two things in the world: the brisk, clean sensation of Gleem Toothpaste, and you, the viewer. We hope you’ll enjoy letting our new pal Chompers into your heart.
5. We at Gleem are so, so sorry. Tumblr has informed us that our new commercial should have been issued with a trigger warning, as the depiction of a dog can be intensely frightening for viewers who may have had bad experiences with dogs as children. The Gleem corporate office has already received several dozen hospital bills for panic attacks induced by Chompers. As a good faith gesture, we at Gleem fully intend to pay all of these medical bills, and we assure our Tumblr fans that the Chompers commercial has been pulled from rotation. Our new commercial will simply feature a tube of Gleem Toothpaste set against a featureless void. Please continue using Gleem. We could really use the revenue right now.
6. We at Gleem have been informed that our new commercial is offensive, due to the fact that the featureless void that serves as the backdrop is white. The background has since been changed to a dull gray. We hope this is acceptable.
7. Our Tumblr fanbase recently has informed us that it is impossible for us to make a completely inoffensive commercial for our product, because the entire premise of Gleem Toothpaste is that the ideal tooth is both straight and white. Because of this fact, and also because we have burned through our entire annual advertising budget in two months, we have decided to fire our director of advertising and instead rely on word-of-mouth. Please buy Gleem Toothpaste. Please.
8. This is Ray Morton, former director of advertising for Gleem Toothpaste. I was just evicted from my house and the bank took my car, but fortunately, I still have the pup tent I bought for my estranged son and a small supply of medication for the peptic ulcer that’s slowly killing me. I’m living in the woods now, but the nice folks at the library don’t seem to mind if I wash up in their sink every couple of days. My current plan is to sell my blood plasma until I can afford to buy a gun of a caliber sufficient to end my miserable goddamn life. I was looking up affordable .38 pistols on the library computer today when I realized that Gleem hasn’t yet changed the password on the corporate blog, so I figured I’d login and share a special message with our vocal Tumblr fanbase: I hope that all of you genderspecial polyamorous nonbinary demisexual turbo-hydramatic transmissions choke on your organic non-GMO quinoa. I don’t know how you motherfuckers go outside.
9. Gleem Toothpaste wishes to apologize for the comments of the late Ray Morton. Those of you with Oedipal Complexes should not be mocked.
2. We at Gleem Toothpaste are big enough to admit when we’ve made a mistake. We’ve been informed by several Tumblr users that even though our new commercial depicts a multi-ethnic family, it still offers a traditional, heteronormative depiction of family. Although Gleem toothpaste may have been introduced in 1952, we like to consider ourselves a 21st century company. We have filmed a new commercial in which two men, one Asian, one Hispanic, brush their teeth with Gleem toothpaste and then open-mouth kiss for 23 seconds. We hope that you’re all ready for a brand-new look at Gleem. Get those toothbrushes ready!
3. We at Gleem Toothpaste are sorry. In our previous apology, we referred to the two individuals in our new commercial as men. Thanks to our vocal Tumblr fanbase, we have learned that it is a mistake to assign gender to a person without their consent. We hope that you enjoy our new commercial, in which the great, long-lasting clean feeling of Gleem Toothpaste is enjoyed by two homosexual lifeforms.
4. Again, we at Gleem must apologize. Since our previous apology, the phones at Gleem HQ have been ringing off the hook. We now know that it was wrong to refer to the two entities in our previous commercial as homosexual, because this does not account for the wide variety of pansexual coito-fluxual activities that the two beings could potentially enjoy. Due to the controversy surrounding this commercial, we have decided to take a new approach. Tomorrow, Gleem will launch a new animated commercial starring Chompers, the genderless cartoon dog that loves two things in the world: the brisk, clean sensation of Gleem Toothpaste, and you, the viewer. We hope you’ll enjoy letting our new pal Chompers into your heart.
5. We at Gleem are so, so sorry. Tumblr has informed us that our new commercial should have been issued with a trigger warning, as the depiction of a dog can be intensely frightening for viewers who may have had bad experiences with dogs as children. The Gleem corporate office has already received several dozen hospital bills for panic attacks induced by Chompers. As a good faith gesture, we at Gleem fully intend to pay all of these medical bills, and we assure our Tumblr fans that the Chompers commercial has been pulled from rotation. Our new commercial will simply feature a tube of Gleem Toothpaste set against a featureless void. Please continue using Gleem. We could really use the revenue right now.
6. We at Gleem have been informed that our new commercial is offensive, due to the fact that the featureless void that serves as the backdrop is white. The background has since been changed to a dull gray. We hope this is acceptable.
7. Our Tumblr fanbase recently has informed us that it is impossible for us to make a completely inoffensive commercial for our product, because the entire premise of Gleem Toothpaste is that the ideal tooth is both straight and white. Because of this fact, and also because we have burned through our entire annual advertising budget in two months, we have decided to fire our director of advertising and instead rely on word-of-mouth. Please buy Gleem Toothpaste. Please.
8. This is Ray Morton, former director of advertising for Gleem Toothpaste. I was just evicted from my house and the bank took my car, but fortunately, I still have the pup tent I bought for my estranged son and a small supply of medication for the peptic ulcer that’s slowly killing me. I’m living in the woods now, but the nice folks at the library don’t seem to mind if I wash up in their sink every couple of days. My current plan is to sell my blood plasma until I can afford to buy a gun of a caliber sufficient to end my miserable goddamn life. I was looking up affordable .38 pistols on the library computer today when I realized that Gleem hasn’t yet changed the password on the corporate blog, so I figured I’d login and share a special message with our vocal Tumblr fanbase: I hope that all of you genderspecial polyamorous nonbinary demisexual turbo-hydramatic transmissions choke on your organic non-GMO quinoa. I don’t know how you motherfuckers go outside.
9. Gleem Toothpaste wishes to apologize for the comments of the late Ray Morton. Those of you with Oedipal Complexes should not be mocked.
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