(Originally appeared in Star City Spectrum Issue #4)
Hello! My name is Ben R. Williams, and due to circumstances, I was recently catapulted fifty years into the future. Fortunately, Leader sent me back to my own time to spread His gospel, which I have chosen to do in the style of a click-bait top five list, the Holy Bible of our age. Here are the top five hottest hot spots in Roanoke 2064!
#5. Leader’s Childhood Home -- 67 Grobda Lane
We all know Leader to be a great man (Editor’s note: Leader is the greatest man), but who would believe that he came from such humble beginnings? This simple log cabin has no running water, no electricity, and no wireless internet, yet it was right here in 2031 (0 P.L. [Post Leader]) that the Flaming Golden Chariot of Kahomet tumbled from the sky and deposited the 27-year-old man who would soon claim his rightful throne as Leader.
Leader lived here for about three days before razing the home of his greatest enemy, Councilman Stromburg of the Broken Promises, and beginning construction of the Alabaster Pyramid of Wisdom, where He lives to this day.
#4. The Alabaster Pyramid of Wisdom - 58 Baraduke Blvd.
You can’t drive into Roanoke without seeing the Alabaster Pyramid of Wisdom, nestled in the woods right beneath the former Roanoke Star (now known as the Ever-Glowing Visage of Leader). From the massive swimming pool shaped like the Eye of Providence to the Avenue of Flaming Swords, Leader’s compound is certainly a sight to behold. On quiet nights, they say you can still hear the screams of Councilman Stromburg drifting across the valley!
Fun fact: Leader is the only living person who has ever seen in the inside of the pyramid. With the exception of the 500 people who built it. They are sealed inside the golden capstone.
#3: The Downtown Nourishment Dispensary - 5134 Bosconian Avenue
No trip to Roanoke is complete without a trip to the Downtown Nourishment Dispensary. No matter what your preferences, you’ll find something to love at the Dispensary! Whether you’ve got a taste for pinto beans, navy beans, kidney beans, or lima beans, your favorite is on the menu. Every third Saturday, small pieces of shortbread are even distributed. Sometimes the dispensary workers will give you two pieces if you ask nicely, but don’t tell anyone! (Editor’s note: Report all unauthorized food distribution to The Department of Social Management. Insubordination is not to be tolerated.)
#2: Leader’s Theatre - 832 Abadox Ln.
Looking for a little entertainment while you’re in town? Be sure to check out Leader’s Theatre, which offers the finest films, plays, and live music in Roanoke 2064. This week in 2064, check out the following:
Films: Birth of the Leader, Triumph of the Leader, What the Leader Did For Summer Vacation
Plays: Stromburg’s Folly, The Merry Wives of Leader
Music: Leader and the Leaders
Friday night is Leader’s Night! All water is half price.
#1: The Tower of Alacrity, 13 Polybius Road
If you’re feeling a little rebellious, you ought to check out the Tower of Alacrity! You will not be given a choice. It is here that the children of Roanoke — and the adults who will not listen — are treated to a free education program sponsored by Leader! The Tower offers an impressive 73 percent graduation rate. The whereabouts of the remaining 27 percent are currently unknown.
While visiting the Tower of Alacrity, be sure to check out The Song of the Leader, etched onto a megalithic onyx slab that towers over the city. It is located at the former Noel C. Taylor Municipal Building.
The Song of the Leader
I will not fear the dissidents
No, I shall work with pride
I am the social soldier ant
And Leader’s at my side
I shall not drop my sweaty yoke
Nor learn to write nor read
The path of knowledge ends in death
And Leader’s all I need
And should I speak a heresy
Like traitorous Galileo
The Flaming Sword will claim my head
Vae puto deus fio!
Hello! My name is Ben R. Williams, and due to circumstances, I was recently catapulted fifty years into the future. Fortunately, Leader sent me back to my own time to spread His gospel, which I have chosen to do in the style of a click-bait top five list, the Holy Bible of our age. Here are the top five hottest hot spots in Roanoke 2064!
#5. Leader’s Childhood Home -- 67 Grobda Lane
We all know Leader to be a great man (Editor’s note: Leader is the greatest man), but who would believe that he came from such humble beginnings? This simple log cabin has no running water, no electricity, and no wireless internet, yet it was right here in 2031 (0 P.L. [Post Leader]) that the Flaming Golden Chariot of Kahomet tumbled from the sky and deposited the 27-year-old man who would soon claim his rightful throne as Leader.
Leader lived here for about three days before razing the home of his greatest enemy, Councilman Stromburg of the Broken Promises, and beginning construction of the Alabaster Pyramid of Wisdom, where He lives to this day.
#4. The Alabaster Pyramid of Wisdom - 58 Baraduke Blvd.
You can’t drive into Roanoke without seeing the Alabaster Pyramid of Wisdom, nestled in the woods right beneath the former Roanoke Star (now known as the Ever-Glowing Visage of Leader). From the massive swimming pool shaped like the Eye of Providence to the Avenue of Flaming Swords, Leader’s compound is certainly a sight to behold. On quiet nights, they say you can still hear the screams of Councilman Stromburg drifting across the valley!
Fun fact: Leader is the only living person who has ever seen in the inside of the pyramid. With the exception of the 500 people who built it. They are sealed inside the golden capstone.
#3: The Downtown Nourishment Dispensary - 5134 Bosconian Avenue
No trip to Roanoke is complete without a trip to the Downtown Nourishment Dispensary. No matter what your preferences, you’ll find something to love at the Dispensary! Whether you’ve got a taste for pinto beans, navy beans, kidney beans, or lima beans, your favorite is on the menu. Every third Saturday, small pieces of shortbread are even distributed. Sometimes the dispensary workers will give you two pieces if you ask nicely, but don’t tell anyone! (Editor’s note: Report all unauthorized food distribution to The Department of Social Management. Insubordination is not to be tolerated.)
#2: Leader’s Theatre - 832 Abadox Ln.
Looking for a little entertainment while you’re in town? Be sure to check out Leader’s Theatre, which offers the finest films, plays, and live music in Roanoke 2064. This week in 2064, check out the following:
Films: Birth of the Leader, Triumph of the Leader, What the Leader Did For Summer Vacation
Plays: Stromburg’s Folly, The Merry Wives of Leader
Music: Leader and the Leaders
Friday night is Leader’s Night! All water is half price.
#1: The Tower of Alacrity, 13 Polybius Road
If you’re feeling a little rebellious, you ought to check out the Tower of Alacrity! You will not be given a choice. It is here that the children of Roanoke — and the adults who will not listen — are treated to a free education program sponsored by Leader! The Tower offers an impressive 73 percent graduation rate. The whereabouts of the remaining 27 percent are currently unknown.
While visiting the Tower of Alacrity, be sure to check out The Song of the Leader, etched onto a megalithic onyx slab that towers over the city. It is located at the former Noel C. Taylor Municipal Building.
The Song of the Leader
I will not fear the dissidents
No, I shall work with pride
I am the social soldier ant
And Leader’s at my side
I shall not drop my sweaty yoke
Nor learn to write nor read
The path of knowledge ends in death
And Leader’s all I need
And should I speak a heresy
Like traitorous Galileo
The Flaming Sword will claim my head
Vae puto deus fio!