The following piece was written for Overnight Sensations 2014 at Mill Mountain Theatre between 8 p.m. July 11 and 8 a.m. July 12. It was directed and rehearsed from 12 p.m. July 12 until it debuted at 8 p.m. that evening.
Writer: Ben R. Williams
Director: Katie Mack
Cast:
Michael Mansfield as Pappy, pawn shop entrepreneur
Nathan Smith as Junior, pawn shop employee
Mary Jean Levin as Meemaw, pawn shop supervisor
Jennifer Tidwell as Mary 1, a jewel thief
Anna Holland as Mary 2, also a jewel thief
Dan Smith as The Hardcase, a relentless hired gun
The piece had to conform to the following prompts:
Setting: A pawn shop
Genre: Action thriller
Theme: Some begrudge others what they cannot enjoy themselves
A Regular Arkansas Chuggabug
LIGHTS UP on the pawn shop. PAPPY is slumped in a chair at stage left, sitting at a table. JUNIOR is lying on the first level of the elevated platform near PAPPY. MEEMAW is sitting near PAPPY, working on her knitting. The three of them are dressed like hayseeds and speak with heavy southern accents. They speak very slowly.
PAPPY
Lord have mercy, what a lazy day.
JUNIOR
Yessir.
PAPPY
Why, this is plumb near the laziest old day I ever seen.
JUNIOR
Some kind of lazy, Pappy.
PAPPY
I maybe seen one day lazier than this one.
JUNIOR
Yeah? What happened?
PAPPY
Well, one day, down in Atlanta, this was about 1974, seems two men got into a napping competition. Trying to see who could nap the hardest.
JUNIOR
Who won?
PAPPY
Nobody. They slipped went into comas. Still napping today.
JUNIOR
Sounds like old Icarus flew too close to the sun, Pappy.
PAPPY
Yep, that’s about the size of it. Powerful tragic.
Beat.
JUNIOR
It’s hot, too.
PAPPY
How hot is it, Junior?
JUNIOR
Why, it’s so dad blang hot, that if a coonhound tried to tree a possum, it’d take a whole pan of hot water cornbread to --
MEEMAW (cutting JUNIOR off)
You boys gonna flap your gums all day, or are you gonna run this pawn shop?
PAPPY
Sorry, Meemaw.
JUNIOR
Yeah, sorry Meemaw.
A lengthy pause. No one moves.
PAPPY
Boy, I wish we had some inventory.
JUNIOR
Yeah.
MEEMAW
Wish in one hand and shit in the other, see which fills up first.
JUNIOR
Aw, we played that game last week.
PAPPY
Ain’t no winners in that game, that’s for sure.
A long pause.
PAPPY
Welp, reckon it’s time to close up shop.
MARY 1 and MARY 2 burst into the shop from stage right. They are dressed as though they just left a cocktail party. MARY 1 is carrying the treasure chest and helping MARY 2 along. MARY 2 is clutching her stomach, and her hand has blood on it. She’s been shot. They hobble up to the table in front of PAPPY. JUNIOR, intrigued by this new development, slowly rises and joins PAPPY behind the table.
MARY 1
Hey! Is this a pawn shop? We have something we need to sell, and we need to do it quickly! How much cash do you have on hand? We’ve got a --
PAPPY (slowly rises from his chair)
Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Whoa. Slow down a minute, little ladies. You come ramble tamblin’ in here like a regular Arkansas Chuggabug, all asking questions and making commotions. You gotta slow down a spell. Now, what are your names?
MARY 1
My name is Lady Shermisette Van Valkenburgh.
MARY 2
Cynthianna Chipotle Van Valkenburgh.
PAPPY
Aw hell, that’s too confusing. From now on, you’re Mary.
MARY 1
Which one of us?
PAPPY
Both.
JUNIOR
Saves time.
PAPPY
Now, what you Marys got for me?
MARY 1 heaves the treasure chest on to the table. She places a hand over it so PAPPY and JUNIOR cannot open it.
MARY 1
First, a question: do you have a class 3 federal pawnbroker’s license?
PAPPY
A what?
MEEMAW
Pieces of law paper is for the man in Washington.
MARY 1
So you aren’t concerned about inspections? Federal audits?
PAPPY
Audits? Those little German cars?
JUNIOR
I think she’s asking if we’re crooked, Pappy.
PAPPY
Oh! Well now, why didn’t you say so! Yeah, we’re crooked.
MEEMAW
Crooked as the day is long.
JUNIOR
We’ll buy anything.
PAPPY (placing a hand on JUNIOR’s shoulder)
This ain’t even my boy. I traded a hay baler for him.
MEEMAW
Shoulda kept that hay baler.
PAPPY
Hindsight’s 20/20.
MARY 1
All right, shut up. I want to show you something.
MARY 1 opens the treasure chest slowly, revealing its contents to PAPPY and JUNIOR.
Beat.
JUNIOR
What is it?
MARY 2
That, my friends, is Lord Baltimore’s Hubris, the largest diamond known to man.
MARY 1
Found in 1905 in the Congo, Lord Baltimore’s Hubris has brought good luck to all of its owners. From the diamond miners who first found it and then died in a mine collapse, to the gem merchant who purchased it shortly before dying in a zeppelin accident, all the way to Carter Dunwoody.
PAPPY
Who’s Carter Dunwoody?
MARY 2
He’s the guy we just murdered and stole this diamond from.
JUNIOR
Those people don’t sound very lucky.
MARY 1
Well, they all owned the biggest diamond in the world, didn’t they?
JUNIOR
Yeah, I guess that is sort of lucky.
MEEMAW
Just looks like a New York City shine rock to me.
PAPPY
Meemaw, you’re blind as a bat.
MEEMAW
Oh yeah? If I’m so blind, how did I knit this scarf?
MEEMAW holds up the sweater she’s knitting.
PAPPY
That’s a damn sweater! And you didn’t make it, you bought it at the JC Penney!
MEEMAW
You think you’re so smart...
MARY 1
Shut up! Listen, you have to buy this diamond.
PAPPY
Mmmhmm. How much you want for it?
MARY 2
83 million dollars.
Beat.
PAPPY takes out his billfold and slowly, slowly flips through his cash.
PAPPY
Hey Meemaw, did we ever sell that ’93 Mercury Cougar?
MEEMAW
Yeah.
PAPPY
What about that box of old soiled hats?
MEEMAW
Yeah, we sold that, too.
PAPPY takes a pencil and pad of paper from his pocket. He licks the tip of the pencil and scratches out a few figures on the pad.
PAPPY
Well ladies, I ain’t gonna lie to you, I’ve got 83 million dollars. But I don’t know as I need a diamond.
JUNIOR
Now if it were the world’s biggest sapphire, then we’d have something.
PAPPY
Yeah, we could sell the world’s biggest sapphire easy. Have people lining up around the block, from Big Weejun Creek all the way down to Little Weejun Creek. But the world’s biggest diamond... I just don’t know.
MARY 2 (urgently)
Listen, you have to buy this diamond.
PAPPY
I’d rather sleep on it first.
MARY 1
You don’t have time to sleep on it!
JUNIOR
And why not?
MARY 1 and MARY 2 turn and dramatically face the audience.
MARY 1
It’s a tale of danger and intrigue.
MARY 2
It was supposed to be a routine job.
MARY 1
There we were, at a cocktail party held by the late Carter Dunwoody, owner of Lord Baltimore’s Hubris.
MARY 2
Two professional jewel thieves, posing as debutantes.
MARY 1
We had to have the diamond. We didn’t want to kill Carter Dunwoody, but there was no other way. We tried to make his death as painless as possible.
MARY 2
I beat him to death in the bathroom.
MARY 1
We swiped the diamond from his study and carried it to our Jaguar.
MARY 2
Little did we know, he had a hired man.
MARY 1
A relentless killer, sworn to protect Carter and his possessions at all costs.
MARY 2
He followed us in his Boss Mustang, leaning out the window to shoot at us with a really awesome 50 caliber Desert Eagle pistol.
MARY 1
He shot Cynthianna.
MARY 2 (clutches at her gunshot wound)
He did.
PAPPY (quietly to JUNIOR)
Who the hell is Cynthianna?
MARY 1 (speaking over PAPPY)
He chased us down the highway, a high-speed game of cat and mouse. We tried to lose him on a back road.
MARY 2
The bridge was out.
MARY 1
We jumped it, landing on the other side in a shower of sparks.
MARY 2
It was cool as hell.
MARY 1 and MARY 2 return to the table.
MARY 1
We lost him, temporarily, but I know he’s following us still. He’ll never give up until he finds us. That’s why we have to sell this diamond and use the money to skip town.
PAPPY
Well now, that is quite a tale.
JUNIOR
Sounds action-packed. And also thrilling.
PAPPY
Yeah, much more interesting than this part at the pawn shop.
MARY 1
So you’ll buy the diamond?
JUNIOR
My real daddy always had a saying: “You can dress a mule up as the parson, but if he kicks you to death, he ain’t gonna preach the funeral afterwards.”
Beat.
MARY 1
What’s that supposed to mean?
PAPPY
Junior ain’t been quite right since the Twister.
MARY 2 (to JUNIOR)
You were caught in a tornado?
PAPPY
No, the Twister. It’s a ride at the county fair. He fell out of it.
JUNIOR
I fell this many feet!
JUNIOR rapidly opens and closes his palms about six or seven times.
MARY 1
Shut up! Are you stereotypes going to buy this diamond or not?
PAPPY (speaking as slowly and haltingly as possible)
Well... seems to me... there’s exactly two schools of thought on that. Now the first school of thought... is that we don’t buy the diamond. And that... it seems to me... and I don’t mean to be telling tales outside the church house... but that... is what you don’t want.
MARY 2
For the love of God, sir. I have been shot.
PAPPY (still talking slowly and haltingly)
Now the second school of thought. Now that... that is a horse... of a different shade. In that set of circumstances... so it would seem... a man... and here, you see, I’m referring to myself... a man... would consider... perhaps...
The HARDCASE bursts in from stage right. He is wearing a tuxedo and brandishing an M60. MARY 1 and MARY 2 turn and stare at him in terror.
HARDCASE
Well well well! It seems that the cat has caught himself a couple of mice! And in this analogy, I’m the cat!
PAPPY
Hey, is that a M60D machine gun?
HARDCASE
Yeah.
JUNIOR
Fires a 7.62mm NATO round?
HARDCASE
You know it.
PAPPY
Electrically fired, hydraulically charged?
HARDCASE
Got that right.
MEEMAW
The pintle-mounted version used especially in armament subsystems for helicopters, preceded by the M60B unmounted model used in helicopters during the 1960s and ‘70s?
HARDCASE
Yes, ma’am.
MEEMAW
Well, I don’t know much about a New Amsterdam glitter stone, but I can always sniff me out a shootin’ iron.
PAPPY
Give you ten grand for it.
HARDCASE
Seems awful low.
PAPPY
What if we spread the money out on the table so it looks like more?
JUNIOR takes a wad of cash from his pocket and spreads it on the table, then smiles and gestures toward it like Vanna White. The HARDCASE approaches the table.
HARDCASE
Say, that DOES look like more! Sold!
The HARDCASE hands them his rifle and scoops up the money, stuffing it in his pockets.
HARDCASE
Well, I guess that’s that. See ya’ll in Atlantic City!
The HARDCASE waves to everyone and leaves.
MARY 1
I suppose all’s well that ends well.
PAPPY
You know what they say: “Some begrudge others what they cannot enjoy themselves.”
MARY 1
What’s that supposed to mean?
PAPPY
Hell if I know, but the slow kid who sells newspapers at Piggly Wiggly mumbles it under his breath all the time.
Everyone starts laughing like at the end of a cheesy sitcom. MARY 2 clutches her side and collapses. LIGHTS FADE OUT.
Writer: Ben R. Williams
Director: Katie Mack
Cast:
Michael Mansfield as Pappy, pawn shop entrepreneur
Nathan Smith as Junior, pawn shop employee
Mary Jean Levin as Meemaw, pawn shop supervisor
Jennifer Tidwell as Mary 1, a jewel thief
Anna Holland as Mary 2, also a jewel thief
Dan Smith as The Hardcase, a relentless hired gun
The piece had to conform to the following prompts:
Setting: A pawn shop
Genre: Action thriller
Theme: Some begrudge others what they cannot enjoy themselves
A Regular Arkansas Chuggabug
LIGHTS UP on the pawn shop. PAPPY is slumped in a chair at stage left, sitting at a table. JUNIOR is lying on the first level of the elevated platform near PAPPY. MEEMAW is sitting near PAPPY, working on her knitting. The three of them are dressed like hayseeds and speak with heavy southern accents. They speak very slowly.
PAPPY
Lord have mercy, what a lazy day.
JUNIOR
Yessir.
PAPPY
Why, this is plumb near the laziest old day I ever seen.
JUNIOR
Some kind of lazy, Pappy.
PAPPY
I maybe seen one day lazier than this one.
JUNIOR
Yeah? What happened?
PAPPY
Well, one day, down in Atlanta, this was about 1974, seems two men got into a napping competition. Trying to see who could nap the hardest.
JUNIOR
Who won?
PAPPY
Nobody. They slipped went into comas. Still napping today.
JUNIOR
Sounds like old Icarus flew too close to the sun, Pappy.
PAPPY
Yep, that’s about the size of it. Powerful tragic.
Beat.
JUNIOR
It’s hot, too.
PAPPY
How hot is it, Junior?
JUNIOR
Why, it’s so dad blang hot, that if a coonhound tried to tree a possum, it’d take a whole pan of hot water cornbread to --
MEEMAW (cutting JUNIOR off)
You boys gonna flap your gums all day, or are you gonna run this pawn shop?
PAPPY
Sorry, Meemaw.
JUNIOR
Yeah, sorry Meemaw.
A lengthy pause. No one moves.
PAPPY
Boy, I wish we had some inventory.
JUNIOR
Yeah.
MEEMAW
Wish in one hand and shit in the other, see which fills up first.
JUNIOR
Aw, we played that game last week.
PAPPY
Ain’t no winners in that game, that’s for sure.
A long pause.
PAPPY
Welp, reckon it’s time to close up shop.
MARY 1 and MARY 2 burst into the shop from stage right. They are dressed as though they just left a cocktail party. MARY 1 is carrying the treasure chest and helping MARY 2 along. MARY 2 is clutching her stomach, and her hand has blood on it. She’s been shot. They hobble up to the table in front of PAPPY. JUNIOR, intrigued by this new development, slowly rises and joins PAPPY behind the table.
MARY 1
Hey! Is this a pawn shop? We have something we need to sell, and we need to do it quickly! How much cash do you have on hand? We’ve got a --
PAPPY (slowly rises from his chair)
Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Whoa. Slow down a minute, little ladies. You come ramble tamblin’ in here like a regular Arkansas Chuggabug, all asking questions and making commotions. You gotta slow down a spell. Now, what are your names?
MARY 1
My name is Lady Shermisette Van Valkenburgh.
MARY 2
Cynthianna Chipotle Van Valkenburgh.
PAPPY
Aw hell, that’s too confusing. From now on, you’re Mary.
MARY 1
Which one of us?
PAPPY
Both.
JUNIOR
Saves time.
PAPPY
Now, what you Marys got for me?
MARY 1 heaves the treasure chest on to the table. She places a hand over it so PAPPY and JUNIOR cannot open it.
MARY 1
First, a question: do you have a class 3 federal pawnbroker’s license?
PAPPY
A what?
MEEMAW
Pieces of law paper is for the man in Washington.
MARY 1
So you aren’t concerned about inspections? Federal audits?
PAPPY
Audits? Those little German cars?
JUNIOR
I think she’s asking if we’re crooked, Pappy.
PAPPY
Oh! Well now, why didn’t you say so! Yeah, we’re crooked.
MEEMAW
Crooked as the day is long.
JUNIOR
We’ll buy anything.
PAPPY (placing a hand on JUNIOR’s shoulder)
This ain’t even my boy. I traded a hay baler for him.
MEEMAW
Shoulda kept that hay baler.
PAPPY
Hindsight’s 20/20.
MARY 1
All right, shut up. I want to show you something.
MARY 1 opens the treasure chest slowly, revealing its contents to PAPPY and JUNIOR.
Beat.
JUNIOR
What is it?
MARY 2
That, my friends, is Lord Baltimore’s Hubris, the largest diamond known to man.
MARY 1
Found in 1905 in the Congo, Lord Baltimore’s Hubris has brought good luck to all of its owners. From the diamond miners who first found it and then died in a mine collapse, to the gem merchant who purchased it shortly before dying in a zeppelin accident, all the way to Carter Dunwoody.
PAPPY
Who’s Carter Dunwoody?
MARY 2
He’s the guy we just murdered and stole this diamond from.
JUNIOR
Those people don’t sound very lucky.
MARY 1
Well, they all owned the biggest diamond in the world, didn’t they?
JUNIOR
Yeah, I guess that is sort of lucky.
MEEMAW
Just looks like a New York City shine rock to me.
PAPPY
Meemaw, you’re blind as a bat.
MEEMAW
Oh yeah? If I’m so blind, how did I knit this scarf?
MEEMAW holds up the sweater she’s knitting.
PAPPY
That’s a damn sweater! And you didn’t make it, you bought it at the JC Penney!
MEEMAW
You think you’re so smart...
MARY 1
Shut up! Listen, you have to buy this diamond.
PAPPY
Mmmhmm. How much you want for it?
MARY 2
83 million dollars.
Beat.
PAPPY takes out his billfold and slowly, slowly flips through his cash.
PAPPY
Hey Meemaw, did we ever sell that ’93 Mercury Cougar?
MEEMAW
Yeah.
PAPPY
What about that box of old soiled hats?
MEEMAW
Yeah, we sold that, too.
PAPPY takes a pencil and pad of paper from his pocket. He licks the tip of the pencil and scratches out a few figures on the pad.
PAPPY
Well ladies, I ain’t gonna lie to you, I’ve got 83 million dollars. But I don’t know as I need a diamond.
JUNIOR
Now if it were the world’s biggest sapphire, then we’d have something.
PAPPY
Yeah, we could sell the world’s biggest sapphire easy. Have people lining up around the block, from Big Weejun Creek all the way down to Little Weejun Creek. But the world’s biggest diamond... I just don’t know.
MARY 2 (urgently)
Listen, you have to buy this diamond.
PAPPY
I’d rather sleep on it first.
MARY 1
You don’t have time to sleep on it!
JUNIOR
And why not?
MARY 1 and MARY 2 turn and dramatically face the audience.
MARY 1
It’s a tale of danger and intrigue.
MARY 2
It was supposed to be a routine job.
MARY 1
There we were, at a cocktail party held by the late Carter Dunwoody, owner of Lord Baltimore’s Hubris.
MARY 2
Two professional jewel thieves, posing as debutantes.
MARY 1
We had to have the diamond. We didn’t want to kill Carter Dunwoody, but there was no other way. We tried to make his death as painless as possible.
MARY 2
I beat him to death in the bathroom.
MARY 1
We swiped the diamond from his study and carried it to our Jaguar.
MARY 2
Little did we know, he had a hired man.
MARY 1
A relentless killer, sworn to protect Carter and his possessions at all costs.
MARY 2
He followed us in his Boss Mustang, leaning out the window to shoot at us with a really awesome 50 caliber Desert Eagle pistol.
MARY 1
He shot Cynthianna.
MARY 2 (clutches at her gunshot wound)
He did.
PAPPY (quietly to JUNIOR)
Who the hell is Cynthianna?
MARY 1 (speaking over PAPPY)
He chased us down the highway, a high-speed game of cat and mouse. We tried to lose him on a back road.
MARY 2
The bridge was out.
MARY 1
We jumped it, landing on the other side in a shower of sparks.
MARY 2
It was cool as hell.
MARY 1 and MARY 2 return to the table.
MARY 1
We lost him, temporarily, but I know he’s following us still. He’ll never give up until he finds us. That’s why we have to sell this diamond and use the money to skip town.
PAPPY
Well now, that is quite a tale.
JUNIOR
Sounds action-packed. And also thrilling.
PAPPY
Yeah, much more interesting than this part at the pawn shop.
MARY 1
So you’ll buy the diamond?
JUNIOR
My real daddy always had a saying: “You can dress a mule up as the parson, but if he kicks you to death, he ain’t gonna preach the funeral afterwards.”
Beat.
MARY 1
What’s that supposed to mean?
PAPPY
Junior ain’t been quite right since the Twister.
MARY 2 (to JUNIOR)
You were caught in a tornado?
PAPPY
No, the Twister. It’s a ride at the county fair. He fell out of it.
JUNIOR
I fell this many feet!
JUNIOR rapidly opens and closes his palms about six or seven times.
MARY 1
Shut up! Are you stereotypes going to buy this diamond or not?
PAPPY (speaking as slowly and haltingly as possible)
Well... seems to me... there’s exactly two schools of thought on that. Now the first school of thought... is that we don’t buy the diamond. And that... it seems to me... and I don’t mean to be telling tales outside the church house... but that... is what you don’t want.
MARY 2
For the love of God, sir. I have been shot.
PAPPY (still talking slowly and haltingly)
Now the second school of thought. Now that... that is a horse... of a different shade. In that set of circumstances... so it would seem... a man... and here, you see, I’m referring to myself... a man... would consider... perhaps...
The HARDCASE bursts in from stage right. He is wearing a tuxedo and brandishing an M60. MARY 1 and MARY 2 turn and stare at him in terror.
HARDCASE
Well well well! It seems that the cat has caught himself a couple of mice! And in this analogy, I’m the cat!
PAPPY
Hey, is that a M60D machine gun?
HARDCASE
Yeah.
JUNIOR
Fires a 7.62mm NATO round?
HARDCASE
You know it.
PAPPY
Electrically fired, hydraulically charged?
HARDCASE
Got that right.
MEEMAW
The pintle-mounted version used especially in armament subsystems for helicopters, preceded by the M60B unmounted model used in helicopters during the 1960s and ‘70s?
HARDCASE
Yes, ma’am.
MEEMAW
Well, I don’t know much about a New Amsterdam glitter stone, but I can always sniff me out a shootin’ iron.
PAPPY
Give you ten grand for it.
HARDCASE
Seems awful low.
PAPPY
What if we spread the money out on the table so it looks like more?
JUNIOR takes a wad of cash from his pocket and spreads it on the table, then smiles and gestures toward it like Vanna White. The HARDCASE approaches the table.
HARDCASE
Say, that DOES look like more! Sold!
The HARDCASE hands them his rifle and scoops up the money, stuffing it in his pockets.
HARDCASE
Well, I guess that’s that. See ya’ll in Atlantic City!
The HARDCASE waves to everyone and leaves.
MARY 1
I suppose all’s well that ends well.
PAPPY
You know what they say: “Some begrudge others what they cannot enjoy themselves.”
MARY 1
What’s that supposed to mean?
PAPPY
Hell if I know, but the slow kid who sells newspapers at Piggly Wiggly mumbles it under his breath all the time.
Everyone starts laughing like at the end of a cheesy sitcom. MARY 2 clutches her side and collapses. LIGHTS FADE OUT.