(Originally appeared in Star City Spectrum Issue #4)

Hello! My name is Ben R. Williams, and due to circumstances, I was recently catapulted fifty years into the future. Fortunately, Leader sent me back to my own time to spread His gospel, which I have chosen to do in the style of a click-bait top five list, the Holy Bible of our age. Here are the top five hottest hot spots in Roanoke 2064!

#5. Leader’s Childhood Home -- 67 Grobda Lane
We all know Leader to be a great man (Editor’s note: Leader is the greatest man), but who would believe that he came from such humble beginnings? This simple log cabin has no running water, no electricity, and no wireless internet, yet it was right here in 2031 (0 P.L. [Post Leader]) that the Flaming Golden Chariot of Kahomet tumbled from the sky and deposited the 27-year-old man who would soon claim his rightful throne as Leader.
Leader lived here for about three days before razing the home of his greatest enemy, Councilman Stromburg of the Broken Promises, and beginning construction of the Alabaster Pyramid of Wisdom, where He lives to this day.

#4. The Alabaster Pyramid of Wisdom - 58 Baraduke Blvd.
You can’t drive into Roanoke without seeing the Alabaster Pyramid of Wisdom, nestled in the woods right beneath the former Roanoke Star (now known as the Ever-Glowing Visage of Leader). From the massive swimming pool shaped like the Eye of Providence to the Avenue of Flaming Swords, Leader’s compound is certainly a sight to behold. On quiet nights, they say you can still hear the screams of Councilman Stromburg drifting across the valley!
Fun fact: Leader is the only living person who has ever seen in the inside of the pyramid. With the exception of the 500 people who built it. They are sealed inside the golden capstone. 

#3: The Downtown Nourishment Dispensary - 5134 Bosconian Avenue
No trip to Roanoke is complete without a trip to the Downtown Nourishment Dispensary. No matter what your preferences, you’ll find something to love at the Dispensary! Whether you’ve got a taste for pinto beans, navy beans, kidney beans, or lima beans, your favorite is on the menu. Every third Saturday, small pieces of shortbread are even distributed. Sometimes the dispensary workers will give you two pieces if you ask nicely, but don’t tell anyone! (Editor’s note: Report all unauthorized food distribution to The Department of Social Management. Insubordination is not to be tolerated.) 

#2: Leader’s Theatre - 832 Abadox Ln.
Looking for a little entertainment while you’re in town? Be sure to check out Leader’s Theatre, which offers the finest films, plays, and live music in Roanoke 2064. This week in 2064, check out the following:
Films: Birth of the Leader, Triumph of the Leader, What the Leader Did For Summer Vacation
Plays: Stromburg’s Folly, The Merry Wives of Leader
Music: Leader and the Leaders
Friday night is Leader’s Night! All water is half price.

#1: The Tower of Alacrity, 13 Polybius Road
If you’re feeling a little rebellious, you ought to check out the Tower of Alacrity! You will not be given a choice. It is here that the children of Roanoke — and the adults who will not listen — are treated to a free education program sponsored by Leader! The Tower offers an impressive 73 percent graduation rate. The whereabouts of the remaining 27 percent are currently unknown. 
While visiting the Tower of Alacrity, be sure to check out The Song of the Leader, etched onto a megalithic onyx slab that towers over the city. It is located at the former Noel C. Taylor Municipal Building.


The Song of the Leader

I will not fear the dissidents
No, I shall work with pride
I am the social soldier ant
And Leader’s at my side

I shall not drop my sweaty yoke
Nor learn to write nor read
The path of knowledge ends in death
And Leader’s all I need

And should I speak a heresy
Like traitorous Galileo
The Flaming Sword will claim my head
Vae puto deus fio!

Mulla Nasruddin's comedic "pretzel-logic" is well-known through Middle Eastern folktales; a large selection of them can be found here: http://www.rodneyohebsion.com/mulla-nasrudin.htm

Recently, while sorting through some ancient urns I purchased at a flea market, I came across a variety of new Mulla Nasruddin tales that have been forgotten for hundreds of years. They are presented below.

THE BEGGAR
One night, the Mulla heard a knock at his door. He opened it to find a beggar standing outside.
“Please, Mulla,” the man said, “I have not eaten in many days, and I am very hungry. Can you spare some food for a child of God?”
“Of course,” the Mulla said, and retreated into his house. He returned with his Quran and handed it to the beggar.
“If you are a child of God,” the Mulla said, “what better nourishment can I offer than the bread of life?”
“Very funny, asshole,” the beggar said, and left. He died sometime later.

THE DONKEY
One day two children saw the Mulla riding into town on his donkey. He was seated backwards on its back.
“Mulla!” one of the children said. “Why are you facing in the wrong direction?”
“I’m facing in the right direction,” the Mulla replied. “It is the donkey who is facing backwards.”
The following day, the two children again saw the Mulla riding into town on his donkey, and he was again sitting backwards.
“Mulla,” one of the children said, “is the donkey again facing the wrong direction?”
“What?” the Mulla said. “What the fuck are you talking about? And where’s my money?”
The children smelled a strong odor of wine on the Mulla’s breath. They were frightened. 

THE BRAGGARTS
One day several men were standing in the center of town telling tales. The longer they talked, the more outlandish the tales became. It was not long before Mulla Nasruddin joined them.
“Friends,” the Mulla said, “are you familiar with Helen of Troy?”
“Yes,” the men said, excited to hear what would come next from the Mulla.
“I fucked her,” the Mulla said. He then made several increasingly obscene gestures, and no one was having much fun anymore. 

STRENGTH
One day, the Mulla was standing in front of his home when his neighbor approached him. 
“Mulla,” the neighbor said, “it is a shame to grow old. I am no longer as strong as I was as a youth.”
“How sad,” the Mulla said. “I am every bit as strong as I have ever been. In fact, I’ve tested it.”
“How so?” the neighbor asked.
“Do you know the cripple who lives in the ditch across the road?”
“Yes,” the neighbor said.
“When I was a teenager, I could beat that cripple in a fight. Today, I can still beat him up!”
The cripple painfully rose from his ditch. “Please stop tormenting me,” he yelled across the road, but it was difficult to understand him because he had no teeth.

THE PUNISHMENT
A woman and a man came to Mulla Nasruddin’s home, eager for his wisdom.
“Yesterday,” the woman complained, “I was walking down the street, and this strange man came up and kissed me! I demand justice!”
“I agree that you deserve justice,” the Mulla said, “which is why I order you to kiss the man back and take your revenge.”
The Mulla and the man laughed uproariously. The woman wished fervently that she did not live in 13th century Turkey. 

THE RIVER
Mulla Nasruddin was walking along the river when he heard a man shout at him from the other side.
“Excuse me, Mulla!” the man said. “How do I get across the river?”
“You are across!” the Mulla shouted back.
“You know what I fucking meant,” the man replied.

FALLING CLOTHES
Nasruddin’s wife was sitting in the living room when she heard a crash inside the bedroom. She entered to find the Mulla sitting on the floor.
“What happened?” she asked.
“My clothes fell down,” the Mulla said.
“How could falling clothes make such a noise?” the Mulla’s wife replied.
“Because I was wearing them at the time,” the Mulla said.
Nasruddin’s wife sighed heavily. “Your alcoholism is tearing this family apart,” she said.

THE TURBAN
One day at the Bazaar, the mayor caught sight of Mulla Nasruddin. The Mulla was wearing one of the finest turbans the mayor had ever seen.
“Nasruddin!” the mayor said. “I wish to buy your fine turban. Please, name your price.”
“One thousand toman,” the Mulla said confidently.
The mayor chuckled. “Mulla,” he said, “the turban cannot possibly be worth that much.”
“Yeah, well, fuck you, then,” the Mullah said. 

STRAWBERRIES
A scholar came to speak with the Mulla. After an hour of philosophical discussion, Nasruddin invited the scholar to help himself to the bowl of strawberries on the table.
“In fairness, Mulla,” the scholar said, “while we have been talking, I have eaten five.”
“In fairness, scholar,” the Mulla said, “I have counted, and you have eaten ten.”
“Christ,” the scholar said, “What an asshole.”

THE POEM
The mayor invited the Mulla to his home to get an opinion on a new poem he had written. After reading the poem, the mayor asked the Mulla what he thought of it. 
“I didn’t care for it,” the Mulla said. “It was not very good.”
Enraged, the mayor sentenced Nasruddin to three days in jail. After the Mulla’s jail term ended, the mayor invited Nasruddin back to his home to read him another poem. After he finished reading it, he asked the Mulla, “Well, what did you think of that one?”
The Mulla silently rose from his seat and walked toward the door.
“Just where do you think you’re going?” the mayor said.
“To go stuff my ears with a bunch of goddamn garbage,” the Mulla said, “because that will sound better than your shitty butt poetry.”

NEW PANTS
One day, the Mulla visited a local merchant.
“I’d like to buy a fine shirt,” the Mulla said.
The merchant brought the Mulla one of his finest shirts, and the Mulla put it on. He examined himself, then shook his head.
“No,” the Mulla said, “I don’t care for it. I’ll exchange it for a fine pair of pants.”
The merchant took the shirt away and returned with a beautiful pair of pants. The Mulla put them on.
“Yes,” he said, “these will do nicely.”
The Mulla began walking toward the door of the merchant’s shop.
“Nasruddin!” the merchant said, “You have forgotten to pay for the pants!”
“I did not forget,” the Mulla replied. “I exchanged the shirt for the pants.”
“But you did not pay for the shirt, either.”
“Of course not,” the Mulla said. “Why would I pay for a shirt I don’t want?”
“Listen,” the merchant said, “why don’t you can the ‘Mulla Nasruddin pretzel-logic’ bullshit and just pay for the goddamn-”
The Mulla bashed the merchant across the temple with a flat rock, knocking him unconscious. He ran into the night, the only sound the flapping of his fine, fine pants.

THE HEADSTONE
Mulla Nasruddin was very old and near death. “Wife,” he said, “when I die, do not place a headstone on my grave.”
“Why?” the Mulla’s wife said.
“Because after I am buried,” the Mulla said, “I do not want to hit my head on it when I ascend to heaven.”
The Mulla’s wife lit a cigarette. “Don’t worry,” she said bitterly. 

The following piece was written for Overnight Sensations 2014 at Mill Mountain Theatre between 8 p.m. July 11 and 8 a.m. July 12. It was directed and rehearsed from 12 p.m. July 12 until it debuted at 8 p.m. that evening.

Writer: Ben R. Williams
Director: Katie Mack
Cast: 
Michael Mansfield as Pappy, pawn shop entrepreneur
Nathan Smith as Junior, pawn shop employee
Mary Jean Levin as Meemaw, pawn shop supervisor
Jennifer Tidwell as Mary 1, a jewel thief
Anna Holland as Mary 2, also a jewel thief
Dan Smith as The Hardcase, a relentless hired gun

The piece had to conform to the following prompts:
Setting: A pawn shop
Genre: Action thriller
Theme: Some begrudge others what they cannot enjoy themselves


A Regular Arkansas Chuggabug

LIGHTS UP on the pawn shop. PAPPY is slumped in a chair at stage left, sitting at a table. JUNIOR is lying on the first level of the elevated platform near PAPPY. MEEMAW is sitting near PAPPY, working on her knitting. The three of them are dressed like hayseeds and speak with heavy southern accents. They speak very slowly.

PAPPY
Lord have mercy, what a lazy day.

JUNIOR
Yessir.

PAPPY
Why, this is plumb near the laziest old day I ever seen.

JUNIOR
Some kind of lazy, Pappy.

PAPPY
I maybe seen one day lazier than this one.

JUNIOR
Yeah? What happened?

PAPPY
Well, one day, down in Atlanta, this was about 1974, seems two men got into a napping competition. Trying to see who could nap the hardest.

JUNIOR
Who won?

PAPPY
Nobody. They slipped went into comas. Still napping today.

JUNIOR
Sounds like old Icarus flew too close to the sun, Pappy. 

PAPPY
Yep, that’s about the size of it. Powerful tragic.

Beat.

JUNIOR
It’s hot, too.

PAPPY
How hot is it, Junior?

JUNIOR
Why, it’s so dad blang hot, that if a coonhound tried to tree a possum, it’d take a whole pan of hot water cornbread to --

MEEMAW (cutting JUNIOR off)
You boys gonna flap your gums all day, or are you gonna run this pawn shop?

PAPPY
Sorry, Meemaw.

JUNIOR
Yeah, sorry Meemaw.

A lengthy pause. No one moves.

PAPPY
Boy, I wish we had some inventory.

JUNIOR
Yeah.

MEEMAW
Wish in one hand and shit in the other, see which fills up first.

JUNIOR
Aw, we played that game last week.

PAPPY
Ain’t no winners in that game, that’s for sure.

A long pause.

PAPPY
Welp, reckon it’s time to close up shop.

MARY 1 and MARY 2 burst into the shop from stage right. They are dressed as though they just left a cocktail party. MARY 1 is carrying the treasure chest and helping MARY 2 along. MARY 2 is clutching her stomach, and her hand has blood on it. She’s been shot.  They hobble up to the table in front of PAPPY. JUNIOR, intrigued by this new development, slowly rises and joins PAPPY behind the table. 

MARY 1
Hey! Is this a pawn shop? We have something we need to sell, and we need to do it quickly! How much cash do you have on hand? We’ve got a --

PAPPY (slowly rises from his chair)
Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Whoa. Slow down a minute, little ladies. You come ramble tamblin’ in here like a regular Arkansas Chuggabug, all asking questions and making commotions. You gotta slow down a spell. Now, what are your names?

MARY 1
My name is Lady Shermisette Van Valkenburgh.

MARY 2
Cynthianna Chipotle Van Valkenburgh.

PAPPY
Aw hell, that’s too confusing. From now on, you’re Mary.

MARY 1
Which one of us?

PAPPY
Both. 

JUNIOR
Saves time.

PAPPY
Now, what you Marys got for me?

MARY 1 heaves the treasure chest on to the table. She places a hand over it so PAPPY and JUNIOR cannot open it. 

MARY 1
First, a question: do you have a class 3 federal pawnbroker’s license?

PAPPY
A what?

MEEMAW
Pieces of law paper is for the man in Washington.

MARY 1 
So you aren’t concerned about inspections? Federal audits?

PAPPY
Audits? Those little German cars?

JUNIOR
I think she’s asking if we’re crooked, Pappy.

PAPPY
Oh! Well now, why didn’t you say so! Yeah, we’re crooked.

MEEMAW
Crooked as the day is long.

JUNIOR
We’ll buy anything.

PAPPY (placing a hand on JUNIOR’s shoulder)
This ain’t even my boy. I traded a hay baler for him. 

MEEMAW
Shoulda kept that hay baler.

PAPPY
Hindsight’s 20/20.

MARY 1
All right, shut up. I want to show you something.

MARY 1 opens the treasure chest slowly, revealing its contents to PAPPY and JUNIOR.

Beat.

JUNIOR
What is it?

MARY 2
That, my friends, is Lord Baltimore’s Hubris, the largest diamond known to man.

MARY 1
Found in 1905 in the Congo, Lord Baltimore’s Hubris has brought good luck to all of its owners. From the diamond miners who first found it and then died in a mine collapse, to the gem merchant who purchased it shortly before dying in a zeppelin accident, all the way to Carter Dunwoody.

PAPPY
Who’s Carter Dunwoody?

MARY 2
He’s the guy we just murdered and stole this diamond from.

JUNIOR
Those people don’t sound very lucky.

MARY 1
Well, they all owned the biggest diamond in the world, didn’t they?

JUNIOR
Yeah, I guess that is sort of lucky.

MEEMAW
Just looks like a New York City shine rock to me.

PAPPY
Meemaw, you’re blind as a bat.

MEEMAW
Oh yeah? If I’m so blind, how did I knit this scarf?

MEEMAW holds up the sweater she’s knitting.

PAPPY
That’s a damn sweater! And you didn’t make it, you bought it at the JC Penney!

MEEMAW
You think you’re so smart...

MARY 1
Shut up! Listen, you have to buy this diamond.

PAPPY
Mmmhmm. How much you want for it?

MARY 2
83 million dollars.

Beat.

PAPPY takes out his billfold and slowly, slowly flips through his cash.

PAPPY
Hey Meemaw, did we ever sell that ’93 Mercury Cougar?

MEEMAW
Yeah.

PAPPY
What about that box of old soiled hats?

MEEMAW
Yeah, we sold that, too.

PAPPY takes a pencil and pad of paper from his pocket. He licks the tip of the pencil and scratches out a few figures on the pad.

PAPPY
Well ladies, I ain’t gonna lie to you, I’ve got 83 million dollars. But I don’t know as I need a diamond.

JUNIOR
Now if it were the world’s biggest sapphire, then we’d have something.

PAPPY
Yeah, we could sell the world’s biggest sapphire easy. Have people lining up around the block, from Big Weejun Creek all the way down to Little Weejun Creek. But the world’s biggest diamond... I just don’t know. 

MARY 2 (urgently)
Listen, you have to buy this diamond. 

PAPPY
I’d rather sleep on it first.

MARY 1
You don’t have time to sleep on it!

JUNIOR
And why not?

MARY 1 and MARY 2 turn and dramatically face the audience.

MARY 1
It’s a tale of danger and intrigue.

MARY 2
It was supposed to be a routine job.

MARY 1
There we were, at a cocktail party held by the late Carter Dunwoody, owner of Lord Baltimore’s Hubris.

MARY 2
Two professional jewel thieves, posing as debutantes.

MARY 1
We had to have the diamond. We didn’t want to kill Carter Dunwoody, but there was no other way. We tried to make his death as painless as possible.

MARY 2
I beat him to death in the bathroom.

MARY 1
We swiped the diamond from his study and carried it to our Jaguar.

MARY 2
Little did we know, he had a hired man.

MARY 1
A relentless killer, sworn to protect Carter and his possessions at all costs.

MARY 2
He followed us in his Boss Mustang, leaning out the window to shoot at us with a really awesome 50 caliber Desert Eagle pistol.

MARY 1
He shot Cynthianna.

MARY 2 (clutches at her gunshot wound)
He did.

PAPPY (quietly to JUNIOR)
Who the hell is Cynthianna?

MARY 1 (speaking over PAPPY)
He chased us down the highway, a high-speed game of cat and mouse. We tried to lose him on a back road.

MARY 2
The bridge was out.

MARY 1
We jumped it, landing on the other side in a shower of sparks.

MARY 2
It was cool as hell.

MARY 1 and MARY 2 return to the table.

MARY 1
We lost him, temporarily, but I know he’s following us still. He’ll never give up until he finds us. That’s why we have to sell this diamond and use the money to skip town.

PAPPY
Well now, that is quite a tale.

JUNIOR
Sounds action-packed. And also thrilling. 

PAPPY
Yeah, much more interesting than this part at the pawn shop. 

MARY 1
So you’ll buy the diamond?

JUNIOR
My real daddy always had a saying: “You can dress a mule up as the parson, but if he kicks you to death, he ain’t gonna preach the funeral afterwards.”

Beat.

MARY 1
What’s that supposed to mean?

PAPPY
Junior ain’t been quite right since the Twister.

MARY 2 (to JUNIOR)
You were caught in a tornado?

PAPPY
No, the Twister. It’s a ride at the county fair. He fell out of it.

JUNIOR
I fell this many feet!

JUNIOR rapidly opens and closes his palms about six or seven times.

MARY 1
Shut up! Are you stereotypes going to buy this diamond or not?

PAPPY (speaking as slowly and haltingly as possible)
Well... seems to me... there’s exactly two schools of thought on that. Now the first school of thought... is that we don’t buy the diamond. And that... it seems to me... and I don’t mean to be telling tales outside the church house... but that... is what you don’t want.

MARY 2
For the love of God, sir. I have been shot. 

PAPPY (still talking slowly and haltingly)
Now the second school of thought. Now that... that is a horse... of a different shade. In that set of circumstances... so it would seem... a man... and here, you see, I’m referring to myself... a man... would consider... perhaps...

The HARDCASE bursts in from stage right. He is wearing a tuxedo and brandishing an M60. MARY 1 and MARY 2 turn and stare at him in terror.

HARDCASE
Well well well! It seems that the cat has caught himself a couple of mice! And in this analogy, I’m the cat!

PAPPY
Hey, is that a M60D machine gun?

HARDCASE
Yeah.

JUNIOR
Fires a 7.62mm NATO round?

HARDCASE
You know it.

PAPPY
Electrically fired, hydraulically charged?

HARDCASE
Got that right.

MEEMAW
The pintle-mounted version used especially in armament subsystems for helicopters, preceded by the M60B unmounted model used in helicopters during the 1960s and ‘70s?

HARDCASE
Yes, ma’am.

MEEMAW
Well, I don’t know much about a New Amsterdam glitter stone, but I can always sniff me out a shootin’ iron.

PAPPY
Give you ten grand for it.

HARDCASE
Seems awful low.

PAPPY
What if we spread the money out on the table so it looks like more?

JUNIOR takes a wad of cash from his pocket and spreads it on the table, then smiles and gestures toward it like Vanna White. The HARDCASE approaches the table.

HARDCASE
Say, that DOES look like more! Sold!

The HARDCASE hands them his rifle and scoops up the money, stuffing it in his pockets.

HARDCASE
Well, I guess that’s that. See ya’ll in Atlantic City!

The HARDCASE waves to everyone and leaves.

MARY 1
I suppose all’s well that ends well.

PAPPY
You know what they say: “Some begrudge others what they cannot enjoy themselves.”

MARY 1
What’s that supposed to mean?

PAPPY
Hell if I know, but the slow kid who sells newspapers at Piggly Wiggly mumbles it under his breath all the time.

Everyone starts laughing like at the end of a cheesy sitcom. MARY 2 clutches her side and collapses. LIGHTS FADE OUT.

Celebrity Tune-Up 
Watch eight of your favorite old, fat, washed-up celebrities get the shit beaten out of them for “charity!” Tonight, 1980s stand-up star “Porky” Landers gets pushed down three flights of stairs... but will it be enough to top former soap opera heartthrob Peter Menarche getting hit in the goddamn face with a hammer and thrown off the top of the Space Needle?

Retards, Inc. 
Three developmentally disabled brothers made a small fortune when they invented a groundbreaking new kind of backscratcher. Now, watch their lives fall to shambles as they’re destroyed by their own greed and incompetence! Tonight, Gordy thinks he sees a UFO, and Dumple is arrested for crimes against nature.

Ditch People
The Gorbler family has been living in a ditch for three generations, and ain’t nobody gonna tell them what to do! Tonight, a meth lab explosion threatens the ditch’s structural integrity and Smitty finally makes good on his threat to end his life.

Whore Fight! 
What happens when Orange County’s baddest whores are forced to live under one roof? Tonight, the whores’ stepfathers come to visit, and all hell breaks loose when Krystyl shits in the hot tub.

My Dumb Addiction
Absolute goddamn morons are confronted by their pathetic loved ones regarding their stupid addictions. Tonight, Wally can’t stop getting kicked in the face by his horse, and Jennifer is addicted to drinking poison... but when a doctor tells them that their behavior might be dangerous, do they change their harmful habits?

Eat Shit!
Your favorite celebrities, degraded for money! Tonight, how much shit will former child star Courtney Rains eat for ten thousand dollars? The answer will surprise no one.

Dr. Asshole
Ten average joes are given $100 and asked to start a successful small business while being berated by horrible millionaire Dr. Asshole. Tonight, the contestants are invited to an uncomfortable dinner at Dr. Asshole’s golden pyramid in Central Park, and the Doctor beats Mike to death with a polo mallet when he tries to use a salad fork to eat Beluga caviar.

Garbage Wars
Enormous men battle each other for the right to buy piles of trash. Tonight, things are gonna get hairy when Rufus mistakes a used surgical bandage for a Honus Wagner baseball card.

Dear Editor,

From the moment I wake up until the moment I drift off once more into sleep’s comforting, death-like embrace, I am consumed by fear and rage. As a younger man, I felt a host of emotions, such as joy, love, and even, on rare occasions, humor. Now, in my advanced age, fear and rage are the only two lenses I have left through which to view the horrible world around me.

I have questions, so many questions. I shout them at anyone unlucky enough to pass through my terrible ambit. Please understand: I do not expect answers to my questions. I have all the answers. I only want to share my sarcastic questions so that everyone I encounter is filled with the same anger and fear I experience, even if only briefly.

Five generations of my family were born in this same house, in the same spot in the den. My dog barks at the stain constantly and houseplants wither when they pass its boundary. I only leave my chair to buy groceries, go to Hardees, and personally hand these letters to the mailman so I can have an opportunity to yell at him about how terrible it all is.

I am so God damn angry, and afraid also.

I worked 43 years at the clothespin factory before it closed down. I could clean and lubricate seven clothespin lathes per night if I wanted, but the clothespinners union only let us clean two. Now my clothespins come from China. How did China take all of our jobs? What does the Chinaman know that I don’t?

I used to make $1.70 an hour and support a wife, four children, a house, two cars, a boat, and another house for my secret family. Now people make $7.55 an hour and live in apartments and when I order my senior coffee, they charge me full price. Why are people dumb and lazy now? 

Everyone at Hardee’s agrees with me. I go there every morning at 5 a.m. to sit with other old, angry people and drink senior coffee and talk about how bad it is. When a person we don’t recognize comes in, we fall silent and stare at them. One time a young person took my seat. Didn’t he know it was my seat? I stared at him.

On Thursdays a band comes to play for us. Everyone in the band is old and feeble, but if you listen close, you can figure out which songs they’re playing. They only play bluegrass music, which is the only good music. Bluegrass songs are about women and murders and selling illegal substances. I don’t know why anyone would listen to that hip-hop garbage. 

I am concerned. A black man walked past my house yesterday. He was carrying a fishing rod. What was he up to? Doesn’t he know I’m a veteran?

I fought and died in Korea. I made sure that this country would remain the greatest country on Earth. Now my back hurts and everyone is too fat. Why won’t anyone listen to me?

TV shows are terrible now, but during my formative years when I paid attention to popular culture, they were very good. Remember that Andy Griffin Show where Opie got the quarter from Mr. McBeevee, and Andy didn’t believe him, so he threatened to beat the everloving shit out of his own son? You laughed and you learned something. Now television is violent and confusing and I don’t understand the jokes so they must not be funny.

The President is a socialist. I don’t know how he got elected, because none of the people I talk to or get my political information from voted for him. He wants to socialize health care. I don’t understand. The next thing you know, the President will be wanting to socialize other things, like the Armed Forces, the Interstate Highway System, the FBI, federal waterways, the U.S. Mint, the National Park Service, the Library of Congress, the Bureau of Prisons, the Census Bureau, Congress, Social Security, or the Departments of Labor, Agriculture, State, Education, Interior, National Intelligence, Commerce, Energy, Treasury, Transportation, Homeland Security, Justice, Energy, Housing and Urban Development, and Health and Human Services. Can you imagine? 

My children won’t speak to me anymore. I think they’re taking the drugs. It makes me sick. It’s enough to make me choke on the 73 pills I take each morning to keep me alive for another miserable God damn day. I just don’t understand.

I have done everything right. The choices that have led me here are sacrosanct. I drive a Chevy Malibu. I buy my slacks at J.C. Penney. I only listen to terrestrial radio. I grow tomatoes every summer. I don’t tell racist jokes if one of those people is in earshot. I use a shoe horn. I don’t litter much.

Why is everything going wrong? I am an American. I am a Patriot. What has happened? Why? 

In closing, fuck you.

Tom Larva

Smuckleberry, Va.